Building the bonds of relationship

What is expected from you? What is to be given? Everyone has an opinion on this topic, but what is right? Most important, what is right for you? As a Christian I will do my best to speak less of my experiences and look at and speak of what God says in His word on building these bonds. I hope, no I pray, what you are about to read will give you some understanding, or at the very least, give you something to think about and a direction to seek your own answers.

First I must say; whether single or married, we must come to the full knowledge that God does exist. That He is a personal God who seeks his own, to give us understanding and guidance. It is my belief and yes my opinion that there isn’t a journey, or even a relationship that is worth much without the loving creator leading the way. We must accept Him and live devoted to the Lord. I believe we must first seek understanding on “who we are in Him” and “who He intended us to be“. 1^st Corinthians 15:10 say’s; “By the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace toward me was not in vain.” Simply put, we are who we are before God first, nothing less nothing more.

If we read the Bible from cover to cover we easily come to the conclusion that the Bible is a book that talks about two major relationship—God and man and man and man (rather person to person). One of the major aspects of being alive is that we are able to enter into relationships that are fun, exciting, warm and intimate. I once heard in a movie that “love isn’t and emotion, it’s an ability.” As a Christian I believe that. I believe it is a gift of God to be able to love, to feel and to share it all with those around us. But how? Again, what is expected and what is to be given?

Who are you? Who am I? In the beginning phase of any relationship these questions are answered. “Who I am” is largely what I think and how I respond to others and my environment. Getting to know others is what life is about. In order for me to learn of others, they must “open up” and feel comfortable doing it. It is my responsibility to help them feel comfortable. Not to over look or undermine their feelings or opinions just because I do not understand or agree. I have to learn and understand we are different and it is my responsibility to listen and to respond accordingly without giving up myself, beliefs and opinions. I also must be able to “open up” the same way and feel comfortable doing it.

Unfortunately, if you do not understand and appreciate yourself you will not accept and appreciate others. There are two extremes to avoid in relationships. I learned of these the hard way. The 1^st is making ourselves and others more “wonderful” in our eyes. The 2^nd is “demonizing.” The 1^st will let us down when reality sets in, the 2^nd will deny us the honor of appreciating who we and others really are.

Trust is important. The most effective means of communicating trust is through the expression of affection for another. Telling people we like them, smiling, sharing experiences and hugging creates trust. Always remember, silence is NOT “golden” in relationships. It tends to be perceived as indifference at best and rejection at worst. If we do not communicate with people to the extent they communicate with us, trust can become an issue in time. But we must know that communicating needs to be done properly. There is no room for demeaning, negative verbal attacks.

Anger is an emotion that is hard to control. We can say some nasty things when we are heated. Anger is one of the best ways to wipe out a relationship. If you have a problem with anger, work on it. It is more effective to calmly disagree and discuss a subject than to display anger.

Lets be honest, there is a certain amount of risk involved in giving too much ground and opening up to others. How we respond to the other persons “self-disclosure” can either build or destroy the relationship. This is where Christians and non-believers alike need to be very careful. Many of us can be extremely judgmental, damning and condemning. Acceptance, understanding and warmth build relationships. Damning and condemning statements like, “how could you do that?” “What, are you stupid?” “Are you an idiot?” tend to help the recipient think they have committed the unpardonable sin. The recipient of such statements usually either soon leaves the relationship out of frustration or “close up.” At this point there is no room for “healthy disagreements” and compromise. At the very least there is no growth potential. Perhaps if we take a moment before reaction and look close enough we may see 3 fingers pointing back at us (Matthew 7: 3-5 & John 8: 4-10). God reveals (self-disclosure) Himself as our creator, father and best friend. We can trust Him. He knows every aspect of our past and has not rejected us because of it. We cannot make others feel that way either.

More than any other characteristic in a relationship, people want to be understood and accepted. When a friend has a struggle with something that matters a great deal to him/her, or does something wrong or at the very least something we don’t like, behaving non-judgmentally will create more appreciation in our friend than we might imagine. We need to learn to slow down our own reactions at times and appreciate the other person so we can build the type of bond that can withstand the reality that people (including us) are imperfect creatures. Many relationships end because God has NOT made people as “perfect” as we think they ought to be. Again, what I mentioned earlier, do not make them or us more “wonderful” in our eyes than we really are. We will only be let down. Encouraging a partner or friend to overcome a weakness is fine. Insisting by our attitude that they must overcome a weakness or change into someone we would enjoy being around more, or over reacting to a mistake puts a lot of pressure on a relationship. Disappointment soon follows, when “our great expectations” aren’t met. Again, do not “demonize” them either because we will not be able to enjoy who they are to the fullest.

Now let us look at leadership. It is important to understand that it is “shared” and goes back and forth. No one is dictator. Whoever is most qualified in a particular area emerges as the leader for that particular situation. If leadership does not flow freely back and forth in a relationship, that relationship becomes unbalanced.

No let us look at the area of leadership in the biblical understanding. In Ephesians chapter 5:21 it clearly states “Submitting to one another in the fear of God.” It also goes on to say in Ephesians 5:22, 23 “Wives, submit to your own husbands. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church.” Now I know most women do not like the idea or sound of this. But let us first understand that this “submission” is NOT for the husband to “command” but for the wife to “willingly and lovingly offer.” This is something that the wife could easily and yes willingly offer if the husband understands his part in Ephesians 5:25, 28, 29 Verse 25 states “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her.” Though the husband’s authority has been established, the emphasis here moves to the supreme responsibility of husbands regard to their wives, which is to love them with the same unreserved, selfless, and sacrificial love that Christ has for His church. Christ gave everything he had, including His own life for the sake of the church. Verses 28 and 29 states “Husbands ought to love their wives as their own body….for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it…” These two verses express the twin responsibilities of providing for her needs (emotional and physical) and to provide warm tender affection to give her comfort and security. In the end, a husband who loves his wife in this way brings great blessings from both her and the Lord and has a wife more than willing to submit completely.

In Genesis Chapter 2:18 it reads “…It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.” Though this is often hard for some men to accept, the words of this verse emphasize man’s need for a companion, a helper, and an equal. He is incomplete without someone (a woman) to complement him in fulfilling his task in this life. This verse points to mans inadequacy, not women’s insufficiency. Women were made by God to meet mans deficiency.

If we take a moment I will give an example of this. We have a grand piano. First there is a designer. Then comes the one who creates then when it is finished, we have the fine tuner. Then there is the one who plays it and creates a beautiful sound. If we look at this example in reference to “man” we will see God the father who is our designer, then there is Christ our creator, then comes the Holy Spirit who fine tunes us, to help create the right sound that the designer had in mind, then what is left? There is the one to take it all and sits with patience, one who knows us and plays us to create the perfect sound. The piano does not resist, and as men we should not resist when there is a master who is gentle, who loves and desires to bring out the best in us in all we do.

I must ask now that you do NOT take my words of Genesis 2:18 the wrong way either. Please do NOT misunderstand my words “Complete him.” If you get the wrong idea and act upon it with the wrong mentality or understanding there can easily be unbalance in the relationship. The Bible is clear that women were created to be a “helper comparable to man” but the helper must not enforce where the help is not desired. We all must learn this balance and the best way I believe to achieve this is through much prayer and listening to God and our partners. How do we know when we are giving the other person what they need and or want? When all else fails, simply put; “ASK.” Communication is important. Listening with a full and open heart is vital.

I am going to try and conclude this by saying;                                                                                             Marriage is like a ship going out to sea. Anyone setting sail knows waves will come and you will get knocked around a bit. Sometimes for us this will be external, other times internal. There is no promises of perfection. When we exchange marriage vows, we exchange a lifetime of mutual commitment. Nowhere else on earth is there an agreement like the vows of marriage. These vows are binding, and that is why they are so serious.

An ideal marriage is, of all things, a love triangle. In one corner is the wife; in the other, her husband. At the tip is God Himself. The closer our communion which is expressed in loving and abiding with God, the closer our communion with each other. Many marriages are already a triangle. God is not at the tip, however. Instead the third party may be money, careers, hobbies and unfortunately another person.

Does this all mean that every marital problem has a spiritual solution? Relationships are not quiet that simplistic. That does not mean that God is not that answer and we shouldn’t turn to Him for understanding and guidance. I truly believe He is the answer and can lead us to a place of peace and a renewed desire to know ourselves and our mates and to continue pushing forward. I will say however, that if you and your partner allow “lifestyle worship” you will save yourselves a lot of grief and anxiety and give yourselves a lot of joy and peace.

Marriage is the coming together of a man and a woman to complete one another, to become “ONE FLESH” (Genesis 2:24) – emotionally, intellectually, spiritually as well as sexually. Marriage then is not to be taken lightly

There is so much more I can say. There is so much more that can be learned than what I wrote on these pages. It is a never ending quest. I pray you will be up for the task. I will stress the fact and idea that you MUST come to the knowledge and understanding of God. To be able to accept Him into your lives on an individual, personal level and to seek His word in ALL areas of your lives and allow Him to help us grow as people, as the second half of a relationship and as children of Him. We NEED accept what He has done on the cross for us. We NEED to learn and to live.